Hey fellow bloggers,
I've been dreading when the next time I was able to have some free time and just post up a blog about what's been going on in my daily crazy and boring life. Don't get me wrong. I love being able to write stuff down that's been on my mind and being able to share with the cyber world to even see if there's somebody out there that feels the same way I do. But frankly, when that free time does come around the corner, my mind goes blank because I live a boring life.
Since my last post, I haven't been following up on any of my so called "changes" that I've been so proud and determined to keep up with. I should be doing some squats or sit ups instead of sitting and blogging right now, but for today, I'm making that exception. And the reason for that is because I feel that I need to express something that I wasn't able to do in the past. I'm going to be talking about a certain habit of mine that literally controls my life in such a huge way.
Just as a disclaimer, whatever I put out here in this blog comes solely from my heart. I don't bs around with this because I want this blog to be a reminder of the things that I've felt that moment I was blogging and share things that I am passionate about. If you were to ever meet me in person, you wouldn't be able to tell that I am the person from this blog.
READER DISCLAIMER: If you do not want to know about my life, then move on ahead, skip, and move to the next blog. For the first time in my life, I feel that I am able to finally look at myself in the mirror and do something about my life that would better myself and for the people around me. So if you don't like it, don't bother in reading another sentence or even that commenting that this is stupid or boring or whatever. Get it?
Growing up, I didn't have such a normal childhood. You know those commercials you see where families get together for breakfast and dinner, go to soccer games and cheer each other on, or even go on countless vacations? My life was the complete opposite of that. I grew up in a some what traditional Chinese family. I lived with my family (dad, mom, older sister and younger brother) and my mother's parents (Grandpa-gong gong and Grandma-paw paw). We lived in a very small town in Washington state where we were obviously minorities. So yea I got a lot of flack for being Chinese in a very white community where stereotypical Caucasian kids just love making fun of your eyes being so small and being picked last because I was too short for basketball during PE. What made it even worse was the fact that my family owned one of the 3 or 4 Chinese restaurants in town. So again, lots of Caucasian kids wanting their pot stickers and wontons, or my all time favourite, GIVE ME SOME FRIED LICE...
I wasn't able to have friends over at my house after school because my paw paw doesn't allow it and also it was HER house. I would remember leaving school and going straight to the restaurant to do my homework and eat dinner at like 4 in the afternoon (if you worked in a restaurant, you would know by 5 is dinner and rush, so there was no normal dinner time), and around 8pm I would walk back to the house (which was right across the street from the restaurant) and tuck myself in (since my parents were still working) and do the same process over and over again.
I remember just being miserable growing up. I would remember countless times where I would grab my Little Mermaid suitcase, grab like a shirt and slacks, a pair of socks, undershirt (because boobies didn't develop until I was 13/14), underwear, a toy of some sort, and toothbrush (no toothpaste because I didn't properly brush my teeth). I think I was about 9 or 10 years old, where I was so fed up with my life with my family, that I actually made it out the door and walked about 3 blocks (these were very short blocks) before turning around because I knew that I would get my ass beaten if my parents found out that I ran away. I would walk back slowly from those 3 blocks (took me a good 25-30 minutes) back to my house, only to find my mom waiting for me with an angry face. If you really want to know...I got my ass beaten.
It wasn't until grade 8 that I was able to do something to make my life "spontaneous". I remembered being teased at school and of course one kid would say "Stop making fun of her, she might know Kung-Fu and beat us down." (Seriously...just because I'm Chinese...I'm a Kung-Fu master). But I took what that kid said into context and agreed that I knew Kung-Fu and that I was trained by the one and only Jackie Chan. Right then and there...I had spilled my first lie. In all honesty, I only had two...count them two (make a peace sign and count) Wushu classes when I was in grade 7 and I did meet Jackie Chan when he came to Vancouver to film Rumble in the Bronx. No lie...Ask my siblings and parents. But after that one exaggerated lie...that feeling of those kids just backing off and actually now having a normal conversation with me instead of them picking at me...made me feel like I was on top of the world.
From there...came more lies. I think on a daily bases of my high school life...I would exaggerate or lied about something at least 10 times a day. It would get progressively worse and worse as I aged, but I got better and better at it. It's scary, now that I look back at it, how I was living this life that wasn't even mine. I guess you can say that it was my low self esteem that had brought me to that point. And maybe...you're right.
I'm almost 28, and having to lie and exagerrate about something is just simply and plainly stupid. About a month ago, I literally just cracked and broke down because I just simply couldn't keep up with this cherade any longer. I confided in my parents, which they were quite worried about where I was in life. They knew I had a problem, but they didn't know that it had taken over my life. My mom simply asked, "Why I needed to lie or be someone I wasn't?" And really, I couldn't find the right answer for her. All I did was reflect on how it happened in the beginning, so I started with that. As a middle child, growing up with my siblings was a little hard. I had an older sister, who was smart as hell and very athletic, and a younger brother who was like THE prince in the family (back in the day AND still in this modern day, Asian families prefers boys over girls. Don't believe me? Look is up.) I was also raised with many cousins, uncles, and aunts who always gossips about which child did better at this school subject or which child was more good looking than the other, that it really affected the way I looked at myself. It felt that I needed to be somebody to prove to my family that I am worthy. That I wanted to be accepted.
When I said that to my mom, she literally broke down and said, "You are Jessica Tang, my daughter. You take things too much in context because you think that you are never good for anybody. But who gives a shit if no one likes you for who you are. You don't need acceptance from anybody. You are something, because you are my daughter, and that is never going to change."
So after that, my mom had spoken to my dad about our conversation. Note this, my father is your typical Asian father. He doesn't communicate much and when the time comes you want to have a heart to heart conversation, he tries to avoid it sometimes. I don't blame him for that. He's been through a lot in his life and I respect him enough to know that he has done a lot to make his family happy by working hard. I never spent a lot of time with my dad growing up because he was always at the restaurant. He came to me and sat me down and said, "Mom said you're having some problems, but I understand that we can't always help you. If you need someone to talk to, let me know and we can ask some people around to see who can help you. I'm doing what I can to let you know that if there's anything you need to talk about, I am here. Even though I have my opinions about how you live your life and what you should do, it will be bad of me as your father to tell you what you need to do at your age now. You are an adult now, but you're still my kid. And my kids' happiness is what a father seeks in life."
I took what my father and mother said to heart. I sat in my room for a long time, and felt a sense of peace. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 27 years of me having to feel like I'm nothing simply went away. That self realization really had helped me try to understand myself a little bit better and to know that I am just a human being seeking for true happiness. I told myself, it's okay to not be the smartest or prettiest or fittest person in the world. That my flaws isn't going to kill me because in the future, my goal is to be happy. I lived a miserably life for too long, that it's time for me to live life happy.
It had helped me to find someone outside of my circle to seek help in my time of need. And I know that everyone thinks that "THERAPY" is super depressing and lame, but in reality it isn't. It's a way to approach on how to tackle your demons that has been consuming your life. I was given great guidance and it's nice to actually have someone to talk to who isn't biased or knows you personally. I am fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to seek someone for my help. I know it's costly, but believe me it is worth it only if you can budget it. I also had help from my mom's best friend and my sister's God Mother. She's been my second therapist. Because she knows my family, she was able to give me some perspective on what my parents' thoughts were about my issues. Talking to her about my mom and dad, and how their lives were before having kids gave me a better understanding on why my parents are the way they are (not being able to communicate). It had pained me to know that they had suffered the same ordeal as I did as a kid (being told they weren't good enough, being mistreated by the elders), it really hurt me that much. The only difference was that my parents proved people wrong by working hard instead of being a lying coward, hiding behind a fantasy life.
If you have ever felt that you need to be someone you're not, stop the cycle. Be happy in your own skin inside and outside. Life isn't always great, believe that. All the rainbows, butterflies, and unicorns don't really exist until you can truly find yourself and truly be happy. I encourage you readers, to take a moment to look at yourself for a moment. Look at your own reflection and everything that's there and don't forget to include your flaws. You might not like them, but some people will. If you think that's self acceptance is too hard because you've dug too deep into hating yourself, find someone to talk to. I encourage you to speak to your parents, in an open environment, and let them know what problems you are having. They're job is to listen to you. Though their advice might be biased, as long as they are listening to you, the channel of communication is open and you will have that feeling that it's alright to come to your parents once in a while. If you can't speak to your parents, talk to someone who's a family friend but let your parents know of this matter.
I'm actually quite relieved that I am finally able to finish this post. I've had it drafted for over 2-3 months now. I was a bit timid in posting this because I want to keep some things private. But I honestly felt that putting this out would be a constant reminder that I can be happy in my own skin and not have to be someone I'm not.
Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to go through this journey with me. We all have a common goal in life and that's to be happy with ourselves. I am in a constant battle with myself every day to spread positivity not just to myself but to the people around me. But it all comes in full circle when we are all able to spread positivity together. We all have our weaknesses and strengths, but it's our strengths that can make positive changes to our weaknesses. Believe in yourself and believe that you are not alone.
Readers: What are the things you are struggling in life that has affected your own happiness? What are some tips we can share with each other in times of need? Share in the comments below.
Thank you again and remember, Be happy and smile! =)
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